ABCD or ....IBCDEFA

Ah, the cricket world cup matches, bring back so many memories. ..The keyed up crowds, the bowler posturing the umpire with a “Howzzaat” , the swell of the noise when the home team hit a 4 or 6 or gets a wicket …and the sound of despair when the home team drops a catch. The best part was the body language between players especially if India played Pakistan.

I remember my brother playing cricket with his friends and if I ever tried to pick up the bat to hit a ball or tried bowling, he would be in splits, saying, ”This is not for girls..” and I would be left being the audience. When I would pout hard, he assumed the role of coach and would show me how to hold the bat (which I think is basic common sense) and how to bowl the ball…..(Now that’s a no brainer …) I tried being a fast bowler, then decided maybe I should stick with underarm bowling. My brother kept telling me that I bowled flat and he would tell his cronies, “Yeh, Chappati ball phekti hai, kya yaar”. So one of his best friends Manish would say,”Jaane de, Jaane de, do aur ball baaki hai na, bas chod de”.  

Speaking of cronies, he had quite a few of them. I would be so mad at them because they assumed the girls to be no-good goofs when it came to cricket. Navin, Manish, Babu and two Suresh’s..I have to pause here ….if you remember one of the popular kid cartoons in those days was Fireball XL5 and it had a character called Zooney.  You could’nt miss Zooney especially, because of his big floppy ears, big round tummy and flat feet. So the Suresh’s were named- Zoon1 and Zoon 2.

I am shifting gears here….you know as well as I do that the years can really change people!

Now after all these years, everyone including the Zoons are all grown up, married and working in multinational companies. I happened to meet one of them by chance (Navin)  in one of my trips to Mumbai 4 years ago.

Navin said,”You are based abroad, right? I am going to the USofA next month.” I asked him which location in the US and duration of stay. When he started speaking to me in a forced western accent, I found it amusing.

People go abroad because of the money and some want to go abroad because they like the idea of being called an NRI.

Navin(the soon to be NRI) and his mom cornered me, and asked me questions about life in the US - chai-paani, dal-roti, sabzi, achar, papad, kapda, makaan, gaadi, hawaai jahaj, aam aadmi …. Then there were questions on the Green Card, Visa, and Citizenship and so the list goes on… His mom discreetly took me aside and asked me about girls for marriage.  Wow! Quite a long-term thinker.

So the pakka mumbaika tapori  was all ready to pack his peti and get on the flight with the great Indian Dream. I shall describe a typical send off – The entire family assembles at the house of the foreign-bound person from all corners of the country, friends, acquaintances, the regulars, even the rickshawallas and taxiwallas show up for the send-off.  The packing itself is a major ceremony ….,  bottles of achar, packets of sweets, khandwa, fafda, thepla, papad, including  a Prestige pressure cooker are all packed into one big VIP suitcase. Thus the send-off and the journey across the seven seas!

Four years later, I met Navin in Mumbai. ..and what a transformation!  Quite the firang, I must say!

I have lived out of the country for the last 16 years, but the “Indian” in me is alive, it’s in my heart. I never miss a chance to live up to my Indian values, culture and heritage.

As I started talking to Navin beta, I realized he left India with English in a Hindi accent, and now he spoke Hindi with a New Yorker accent. I tried to speak to him in Hindi, but he responded in English.

Interestingly, to top it, firangi Navin beta forgot Hindi in four years and said that he has a natural accent.  Navin beta has an identity crisis ..?? Hmm, Confident yet confused , I could not call him “ABCD” because he was not one….so I began to think up of another name for him….Ah, “IBCDEFA” ….Indian Born Confirmed Desi's Explicit Firang Act!

Navin beta did come back with some phobias, itisis and itches -

1)      Spiceophobia     

I remember him and my brother with all their cronies hanging out at Dinesh’s Bhel Puri &  Pani Puri stall, pretty much the regular hangout for the cricket team. Dinesh made his entire livelihood doling out pani puris to these taporis.

Firangi Navin beta said,“I cannot take this spicy Indian food anymore. Don’t give me Chaat..,it is very spicy”,- He waved at his tongue and blew his nose at the sight of chaat masala. Flashback: The same Navin beta, used to have a frequent food pass at Dinesh’s stall….

2)      Bragotitis

He bragged about New York, California, & Chicago …. He compared everthing to things abroad. “In California they drive convertibles. [Completely forgetting that I resided in the US as well, he says …] Convertibles, do you know what a convertible is? Maybe Sachin has it. When I landed in Mumbai airport, I didn’t know if I will fit into the Yellow taxi you know, it is so small…. I drive a BMW, all my friends have Luxury cars ….”

As we were talking, I noticed right next to us was MindSpace, Malad and there were quite a few Mercedes-Benz, BMWs, Chevys, Audis in the parking lot… Also, opposite to Mindspace was a huge MB Showroom ….

All I did was nod and pity the clueless guy …

3)      Dirtophobia

I remember, Navin beta used to spend his summer vacation doing nothing but cricket. He pretty much sun bathed as many hours as the daylight could give him. 

The firangi Navin beta could not stand the Bombay climate- He needed Ray Bans, sunscreen, and other complimentary products to even cross the road and visit the next home.  

“There is so much dust and dirt here ..I cannot breathe ….I will get asthma…” This same Navin beta used to bathe in “Baarish ki Paani, especially during Govindashtami Haandi Phode and sing Govinda Aala Re”

He then asked, “How do people survive here?”

I smiled at him and thought “You seriously need a Flashback firangi.”

Only if I could use a Captain Kirk Style command – “Scotty, beam this creature down to earth (pun intended)”.

4)      SupaBrandacea-  

Navin beta looked at my watch and said,’Is that a TAG HEUER?” I said, “No, it is a Titan Raga.” “What!!! You have lived in the US for so long and you are wearing a TITAN!!!! Whats wrong with you?”. He asked me if I like PRADA or LUIS VITTON. (for those who know the brand Louis Vuitton...)

I said, “I own a GUESS and MICHEAL KORS & plan to go shopping at Fashion Street.” He was aghast. “Why Fashion Street? You will never change.”

I couldn’t help smiling at the remark, Change..he sets quite the example doesn’t he?

5)      ClickIt Itches

Navin was carrying a huge camcorder, (someone could mistake him for a News reporter) and was busy taking pictures .. I said, “Navin, seems like you have found a new hobby.” He replied,”I have to take photos to show my office colleagues; they have asked me about India.” He went to the old Dinesh Food Stall, now Dinesh Lunch Home and started clicking,” The people inside looked at him and said,”Aree, wo apna Navin Bhai hai na?.”

As soon as they came out to greet him, Dirtophobia kicked in and Navin vanished. “Kahan Gaya Bhai? Aree Pakka firang banke aa gaya”.

Men 'R' from Mars, Women 'R' from Venus

I was at the Apna Bazar grocery store to do my weekly grocery shopping. I noticed a man hurriedly storm into the store and stand in front of all the aisles thunderstruck. Of course it was raining torrents outside, seemed like he carried that ambiance inside. Then he went to the fruits aisle, looked to his left and right (not at the fruits) and stood flabbergasted. I assumed he was searching for someone.

Soon after I heard a lady at the entrance,”Aji sunte ho, Kela mila kya, panditji baithe hain gaadi mein, Jaldi Karo” The man grunted something and nodded.

That got me thinking….. Gosh, men and women communicate so differently. Men are Martians of a few words; Women are Venusians loud and boisterous. 
While Martians (men) tend to pull away and silently think about the things (bananas), Venusians (women) feel an instinctive need to talk and ask about the things (bananas).

Well the list is long here. At a minimum, the women will certainly look up the size, color, ripeness, freshness, and price, and compare 3 different varieties.

Some sophisticated Venusians may look for the “where packaged” label, “where grown”, organic, calories, serving size and any diet ratings. 

No wonder it takes my better half 2 minutes to buy bananas where as it takes me 10 times as much.

This man was standing a few inches away from the bananas (only if he bothered to look at them) and he kept asking the store workers for the bananas.

The second warning was heard at the entrance – “Aji, chote wale kele leke aana”. For a minute I thought I saw the man move, but no, another man-shopper brought the one and only type of banana available in the store and gave it to the man. One of the quotes from the infamous book by John Gray is “Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished.”

I bet the helper–man must’ve read John Gray’s book, - and he was motivated to help out the other fellow-man, while the women-shoppers looked on in disbelief!

Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other.
Talk about the unique ways that each gender deals with stress ….

Take me for example- Usually when guests come home for lunch or dinner, I prepare an eclectic meal for them and sometimes the preparation starts a week in advance. I like to visualize the dishes with the perfect taste, color and texture with touches of garnish , served in classic or modern stemware, glassware or serveware. 

(I know some Martians out there must find this funny….and must be thinking- As long as I have a paper napkin to hold and wipe my food, why all this fuss?)

Well, because I find it enjoyable and relaxing!

My better half claims that the so called stemware, flatware and serveware are treasures to be seen through glass doors and they only come out when the guests arrive. In fact, though I have much of this stemware from years ago, he is of the impression that I brought them last week. Hmmph!

Well, as I was going through the grocery aisle, I noticed a young confused dad, shifting tomatoes between hands. I wasn’t sure if he was playing tomato juggling (to calm his bawling 3 year old in the pram) or if he really was someone from the FDA looking for some explosive chemical treated tomatoes. His wife at the same time had completed loading the cart from aisle 1, zipped through aisle 2 and was racing to aisle 3. I think she had given him the job of picking tomatoes. Here is where I quote John Gray again -  Venus is on Fire, but Mars is on Ice. In this case, the Martian (man) felt that balancing tomatoes is intricately connected to balancing the blood sugar which also balances the hormones. I am sure juggling tomatoes had a calming effect on him.

At the other end of the aisle, I noticed a couple poking through a bag of oranges. The lady wanted to selectively pick only certain oranges inside the bag but the man was insisting that they need to take the whole bag or the loose oranges. I could hear the argument in Gujarati …. Now wait a minute …..The oranges were bagged so that people could buy a bag of oranges.  As the man walked away from the argument…. Venus opened the bag and put loose oranges into a plastic bag. … Clearly oranges were the cause of the menopause –and the “man-o-pause” relationship stressors!

As I went past the aisle, I noticed a lady take out a Champa agarbatti and smell it (I am glad she didn’t light it up), she put that back in the packet, gave me a sheepish grin  and went on to open Cycle Brand agarbatti. There were 3 packets in there – she opened all 3 of them and started to smell each one … I asked her why she was doing that …. And she said that she was trying to balance the aromas for the yin and yang.

She said the main purpose of burning incense was to keep a cheerful and tranquil mind during reading because the ancient Chinese believed incense was beneficial to study and it can appease the spirit and inspire the mind. Yin and yang, were the opposing principles in nature, the former meaning feminine, the latter masculine. She went on to explain that the concept of yin yang  is used to describe how polar or seemingly contrary forces are interconnected and interdependent in the natural world.

(Ah, Martians and Venusians even in the ancient chinese philosophy)

Well, well, well….

At first I couldn’t understand why men were so disinterested in grocery shopping, but now I get it, it is a polar effect! Take the same Martian (man) from the grocery store and put him at an iPad 2 launch and a Motorola XOOM unveiling in Manhattan, NY. Now wouldn’t that be paradisiacal! I am sure he will forget even his very existence!

Now my better half will argue that I have the same effect when I am at the Macys or Lord  & Taylors Annual Shoe Sale! He claims I go MIA once I see those shoes ….

He makes a case that it can’t be worse than running out of a moving vehicle at the sight of a Sale sign …, (once I was driving the car and ran out of the moving car (without putting it on park), when I saw a sale sign at the Ann Taylor store in downtown Princeton. Sigh!)

I tell ya,.. it all boils down to achieving the yin-yang balance.  It gives us the strength and energy to cope with the challenges of our modern lifestyles; ….how hard can it get - be it buying agarbattis, shoes or even iPads!